#13 On Being Moved š§”
Making space. Seeking what feels right.
January 2025
The calm has given me energy. I wrote that down about a month ago. Decemberās quiet did offer a kind of stillness, a foundation.
I reflected on confidence, something that often seems to elude me, like a distant goal I cannot quite reach. Holding myself back. The deep-seated belief that I should follow certain guidelines.
I think back to my work in marketing, how it shaped me, how I identified with the voice of an organisation, and at least in part - my values were there, threaded through it - but still, it was not my voice. I also think back to high school, to a classroom where individuality was never really encouraged. You followed instructions. You copied. Deviate from that, and you were penalised. I tried, trust me. The lesson stuck. Now, I find it almost comical that I hesitate to create something entirely my own, having spent so much of my career crafting content for others.
The realisation.
There are no guidelines.
A strange, somewhat exhilarating thought.
Updating my CV. A mundane, grating task. To say I find it frustrating is an understatement. I have no idea what people want. I am not even sure if they know what they want. A āniceā LinkedIn profile picture, apparently (yep, an advice from a recruiter). "Sometimes we read beyond the cover letter, sometimes not. Sometimes we do not even read the cover letter at allā (and yep, a comment from a recruiter).
No guidelines.
It stirred something in me. There is a fear, perhaps - that if people meet me in person, it will not align with the authentic me. You see, I am trying to understand myself and the world I am navigating in and you know, at least I can self-decode myself. That is a start. To understand myself. Also understanding that that self is shifting, changing and developing in ways she never thought she could. So, it seems that the fear comes from not meeting expectations, though I do not even know what they are. They exist only in my head. Assumptions, nothing more.
And so I find myself editing my CV for the nth time.
No guidelines.
No guidelines.
There was definitely a stage where I was in denial about where all of this was leading. I cried. And I am glad I had someone there commenting (which, yes, made me cry), listening, comforting. And, of course, I felt silly. It is just a CV after all.
Just a CV. Representing me.
Representing me.
And maybe that is what I am afraid of. That act of putting myself on a page, saying: here, this is who I am.
Oh, and it was uncomfortable. Right up until it was not. A turning point. The thought crept inā¦ maybe this is actually better? I made space, cleared out the excess, and then, suddenly, there it was. A version that actually felt like me. Not shaped to fit a company, not trimmed to their edges. It had capacity. I created space. Let myself be.
ā„ Less hesitation, more I-ness.
ā„ Less tuning out, more here-ness.
ā„ Not perfect, not seamless.
ā„ Awareness. Progress. And with that, something shifted. A little more confidence than before. The process - frustrating, messy, necessary - had done something.
Seeking what feels right.
Own guidelines.
'On Being Movedā is a monthly series of exploring and expressing observations and thoughts - through both written and visual formats. Not sure yet of its direction, however each step forward is a step 'on being moved'. Welcome ā„
Thanks for sharing! I now reflected on how I felt when I last applied to a job, and yes, I also did not feel like myself, more like a version of me trimmed to the job applied. Strange! Have you felt differently over the past months applying with a CV that represents you?